Time the Thief

A new computer was one of the reasons I traveled to the Bay area. The real reason, the human reason, was to see my kids.

I didn’t know it when I pulled out of our driveway here in Redding but I had some unfinished business as a mother.

My children had left the nest “for reals” after we had moved to this house in late 2006. Jess left as soon as she had the money saved to go set herself up in San Francisco. She was so anxious to get into her real adult life.

Brian, a being with great and august past life history I am sure, took his time and went when he had a deal he could not pass up. Law School Arnold style. More about that later.

Jessica convinced me to make the Memorial Day weekend a travel adventure. I had wanted to go to break up my long string of seriously dedicated days of working. I’d been cranking and focusing very earnestly every day of this year and the last year, too.

I needed a break from everything just to clean my psychic lenses. That’s what I told myself and yet I hesitated. I shouldn’t go. No, I should go. My brain was scrambled.

But finally I went adventuring alone for the first time in a very long time.

I spent a Saturday night and a Sunday morning with Jessica and her man, Colby. It was cool, great to see her and Colb and to meet their roommate, Moises, the lovely sprite boy artist, in the flesh.

Sunday afternoon I left to go have dinner with Brian and Barrack Arnold then spent a lovely night at the Arnold’s beautiful house in Santa Rosa. It was a cozy comfortable visit.

I always feel comfortable with my kids. They are both so generous and affectionate toward me.

Still, I felt was a monster wave of sadness roiling in me. It was pulling itself into shape as the weekend progressed ready to curl and break.

I left Santa Rosa with mommy tears at having said goodbye to Brian. I love him so dearly.

The tears rolled down my cheeks and nearly blurred my vision as I took the curves on highway 29. I was finally grieving for their absence from my life. I had felt little spurts of pain for years but now I really knew with my whole heart that the kids were well launched in their own lives.

It was a strange combination of  joy and a deep sadness. Such a weird feeling. I was standing on the threshold of the rest of my life.

We will always be close and have great love and affection for one another. Now I can see that even when I put myself in their physical presence I can never really be in their world.

In this river of time we are all in separate boats. We may be able to wave hello or pull up next to one another and talk for a bit but our time together on the water, in the flow, will be fleeting. Time is a thief.


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