Archive for marriage


Posted in family, reading, socialization with tags , , , , , on August 31, 2010 by darcyarts

If you can think for yourself, are passionate about questioning assumptions and open to a bit of subversion read this book! Here is your chance to have your mind opened if you will allow it.
Gilbert gives herself to the conundrum of commitment as only a very bright questioner of authority could. She gamely challenges her own nagging doubts about the institution of marriage. She explores the twisted route (or roots) of its transformation, and maps its frequent changes over the last few centuries.
If you are perfectly comfortable following the prescribed societal routines, if you are deep-fried in any kind of fundamentalist religious beliefs and opposed to discovering historical context that might rattle your adamantine notions, if you expect this book to sing the praises of the bloated undertaking that is currently assumed to fulfill all a girl’s princess-shaped fantasies, go elsewhere.

That’s the Amazon review I wrote this morning for Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed: A Sceptic Makes Peace with Marriage. I was irritated by reviews obviously written by a.) People who were pissed that this book wasn’t Eat, Pray, Love 2 or b.) jealous academicians who wished they could have gone to Italy,India and Bali, met a beautiful Brazilian man and had to research marriage before doing the deed with their passionate lover.

Come on, haters! Open your hearts. Go buy a buddha at Two Buttons Import meditate, chill. Let go of your anger.

Getting what you want in life does have something to do with surrendering your lame fear-based plans, opening up to what life/god/providence will offer if you can let go of your assumptions, see the real thing and grab it.

LGBT friends, this book is full of good information that may potentially correct the mind of fundamentalist-blind or uninformed anti-gay marriage folks to whom you may be related in some way.

Excerpt from committed after Gilbert has realized people have always created the secreted, loving  unions they need and want  inspite of what the man says in recognizable in the name of the state, law, or religion.

pg. 264 — “It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather, it is the institution of marriage that has to bend uncomfortably around us. Because “they” (the-powers-that-be) have never been entirely able to stop “us” (two people). from connecting our lives together and creating a secret world of our own. And so “they” eventually have no choice but to legally permit “us” to marry, in some shape or form, no matter how restrictive their ordinances may appear. The government hops along behind its people, struggling to keep up, desperately and belatedly (and often ineffectually and even comically) creating rules and mores around something we were always going to do anyhow, like it or not.”

The Sunday Before

Posted in family, film, finds, nature with tags , , , on April 11, 2010 by darcyarts

It’s Sunday. The weather will bring gray clouds and probably rain but I have bright sun in my heart.

Three more days and my partner, Frank and I permanently seal our bond.♥

We met in San Francisco in 1978. Those were intense days. We were young and wild. He, a bit more than me.

We had big crazy fun in the city. I went not to find a beau but to see some real life to meet fellow artistic souls, musicians, madmen and boy, did I succeed.

As Frank and I got deeper into one another we chilled out in Santa Barbara and got to know each other with a mellower set of social distractions.

Our return to San Francisco set us on different paths.

A few years later, I ended up in Seattle , married with kids.

I hadn’t thought of Frank for four or five years when I went to see the film Amadeus with my friend Linda.

Bang!! Tom Hulce’s interpretation of Mozart triggered something.  Hulce’s/Mozart’s high pitched laugh, his bratty confidence, his playful flirtiness, his tortured artist, dark-soul specter chipped a tiny crack in the dam. As I sat in the darkened theater, an intense flood of memory began.

Hulce reminded me of Frank and that set my recollection loose. Everything came  back to mind. His tenderness, his brilliance, his kindness. It was all in such sharp contrast to the insincerity and coldness radiating from the man to whom I was married.

In the days and months ahead I let myself remember and remember. It all played out like a holy, secret movie in my brain. Eventually I began to dream repeatedly of Frank, of his essence. He became  my true hearts desire. And the longing stood the test of time. When every other affection of the heart faded the memory of Frank was still there burning like a well made candle.

In 1985 I called Frank’s mom from Seattle. She told me he had a girlfriend and reluctantly gave me his number. We spoke and it was so nice to hear his voice, to know that he was alive and well.

Frank’s ex-wife Susan came to Seattle with her band, Frightwig, soon after. They stayed at our house in Magnolia. At some point I confessed my still surviving feelings for Frank. Susan said he still looked great. Dang.

From 1986 to 1993 I pursued an education. At first in fits and starts, then steadily eventually. The endeavor took me to Southern California, Iowa City, and Albuquerque.

I immersed myself in Film studies. It was a pleasure. I still thought of Frank and dreamed of him when there was room in my head.

Susan called me at some point early in my studies and ask if I had Frank’s number. She said he had moved to Tucson. A close friend of ours from San Francisco was dying and he wanted to talk to Frank. I gave Susan Frank’s mom’s number in New Jersey.

He called me in Iowa City after a dissapointed Physics grad student gunned down six people in November of 1991.

These happenings kept us connected. The tethers were loose and maddenly tenuous at times.

The shootings and the cruel winters drove me west to Albuquerque. I wanted to have some access to Latin American film and so I transfered to UNM.

I called Frank and got his address. Whenever family business took me from Albuquerque to California I’d think about stopping in Tuscon to see him. I failed to summon the courage on my first trip.

I moved my family from Albuquerque to Redding in 1993. The second trip I saw him for an hour or so. He seemed shy and sort of embarrased. It had been 15 years.

Frank and I kept in touch. My husband moved far, far away to Massachusetts. I enjoyed my kids, full time domesticity and soon granny came to join us.

The kids and I managed to spend a few months in Tucson in late 1998. I saw quite a bit of Frank. Our magnetic attraction was still intact but our lifestyles were very different. We returned to Redding, without Frank, to start a new year.

I didn’t belive in pursuing a romantic life while raising my kids.  I did not want to bring strangers into our lives. I preferred to keep things safe and simple.

I worked on writing stories for myself  and eventually in 2000 began  journalism classes at Shasta College. My education in Film Studies was not immediately useful in securing a job in Redding.

By 2001, the kids were  teens and I was working for a newspaper in a lowly position. My first boss was a great guy. He talked me into  taking a part time public safety reporter position then promtly left for greener pastures. I had a great time writing all stories but those involving cops, wrecks and criminals.

I was completely comfortable with my single mom status, secure in my private world, but still thought  of Frank as the only guy I’d ever consider as a partner. Deep down there was something really, really right about him. He fit me and I him. I just had to wait till he was ready to feel it was time to settle down. He was doing a lot of interior work, himself.

He called me in 2003 and said he was ready to try. We both knew that together we had a certain strength and we agreed it was time to grow that native promise.

It’s been seven really good years. We have grown as individuals, become real true partners and feel we have an unshakeable foundation.

We’re getting married on Wednesday, as the new moon welcomes fresh beginnings.